Hey there,

I’m FPS Freek Bombshell. I heard you like crazy accuracy and precision when you play Black Ops 2. That’s cool. I like those things too.

You know, Valentine’s Day is in a couple of weeks. Do you maybe want to play some Halo 4 or some other first-person shooters together? I’ve always wanted someone like you to share my life of gaming excellence with. I know we’d have a good time together. I’ll pick you up in my car. It’s a Lamborghini.

Can you picture it? You and me—your thumb on my grip-enhancing nubbed surface playing together as a pair of blood-hungry commandos? I want to make you a better player. I was designed for improving your K/D ratio. I know what you want. I was built to satisfy.

So, what do you say? Is it a yes?

I know what you’re thinking… I’m being pretty forward. It’s only because I am extremely limited and once I’m gone you probably won’t have the chance to see me again. I just want to make sure I’m always attached to your sticks.

Oh, I should tell you—my Lambo is actually in the shop right now so I’ll need you to pick me up instead. I hope that doesn’t change anything. I’m looking forward to meeting you in person! I’m available now!