Why? Just… why?

Excuse me? Mr. Video game? We have questions about E3.  

By now all of the E3 dust has settled, or at least started to. There were SO many trailers. How does anyone remember all of them? Oh right! They find one of the thousands of recaps, discussions, and announcements meant to feed gamers their hype-Wheaties (E-threeties?) until they’re all fibered up and ready to pull out their wallets and get to pre-orderin’.

We’re not about that here at KontrolFreek. The Freek Nation deserves more than just a recap. You guys deserve real, hard-hitting content that addresses the beating heart of the gaming community. We’re talking Spotlight-level investigative journalism. We’re not only here to arm you with the best Performance Thumbsticks around, we’re also here to arm you with information: the Performance Thumbstick for the real world.

Buuuuut that seems hard. And sometimes we just want to post our questions about all of the WTF moments that happened at E3 this week. You feel?

Every year at E3 scores of trailers, gameplay demos, and cringe-worthy moments happen, and some of them are so ambiguous that they raise more questions than provide answers. We had a few questions of our own, and so, like good gamers, we decided to talk them out to try and get somewhere.

What does Slurp Juice taste like?

By now you may have seen that Epic Games was passing out Slurp Juice beverages at their Fortnite E3 booth. We’re dying to know what it tastes like.


I bet you it tastes like when your friend Devon’s been trash talking you all day while you’re playing duos. Then he gets downed by a default skin using a grey SMG, you kill the default skin and wait for Devon to die. Twice the free loot for you. WHO SUCKS NOW DEVON, HUH? I AM THE SUN AND YOU ARE THE FREAKING PLANETS!

… To answer the question, we bet the slurp juice tastes sweet. Sweet like revenge.

What is that flute called?

One of the most absurd moments was the flue player before the Ghost of Tsushima gameplay reveal. Disregarding how awesome the game was, that flute player could wail on that thing. And we really thought that it added some atmosphere. But what was that thing even called? Who was this grey-haired white dude who looks like he’s spent his whole life learning how to play this thing? We have the answers!

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The instrument that this man was playing is called a Shakuhachi. It was introduced in Japan by the Chinese during the 6th century. According to Wikipedia, it was used in a type of Buddhist meditation called Suizen (blowing meditation). Pretty cool!

As far as the musician is concerned, his name is Cornelius Boots, and he’s a Shakuhachi rockstar. Here’s a link to his youtube channel.

Who thought this would be a good idea?

Hey! Who put this slapstick comedy in the middle of my press conference?

Out of all of the questions to ask about E3, this one is special. It is born out of gamers being shamelessly pandered to, and the gaming industry’s ignorance towards trying to understand comedic timing. Without fail, there are always companies that live stream the manifestation of their questionable decisions and give us enough “cringe-worthy E3 moments content” for the year.

Let’s talk about the picks from this year. Ubisoft opened up their conference with a very over-the-top dance number, Bethesda actually tried to hype people up for The Elder Scrolls Legends, Andrew W.K. asked the audience if they were “ready to rage” a few too many times, and DICE announced a battle royale mode for Battlefield V to an audience of crickets.

But the crowning cringe-cheivement of 2018’s E3 live streams would be this: Just watch it.

HAHAHAHAHAHA THE MAN FELL OVER AND BROKE THE TV.

Come on Ubisoft, you’re better than this.

Didn’t I see this already?

The Kingdom Hearts III trailers were abundant during this year’s E3. It seemed like every press conference had one, and the best one wasn’t even at Square Enix’s showcase. And to add a cherry on top, each trailer was the same structure but with probably about six extra seconds of new or switched around footage to make it slightly different than the last few trailers we saw.

The Kingdom Hearts III trailers were everywhere during this year’s E3. It seemed like every press conference had one, and the best one wasn’t even at Square Enix’s showcase. It’s their own game for crying out loud! And to add fuel to the fire, each trailer was the same structure but just tweaked around a bit to make it slightly different than the last few trailers we saw.

The Kingdom Hearts III trailers were all over the place during this year’s E3. It seemed like every press conference had one, and the best one wasn’t even at Square Enix’s. Sony got the big reveal in the end. It’s Square’s game for crying out loud! As the icing on the cake, each trailer used the same dialogue and song to create some sort of detailed story info but just tweaked around a bit to make it slightly different than the last few trailers we saw.

(If you enjoyed this part of the blog, you will most definitely enjoy all of the KH3 trailers check them out here)

What are the babies and why can they see the monsters?

It seems like every time Kojima releases a new trailer for Death Stranding we are left with more questions than answers. This time around was no exception. But there’s one thing that this office needs to know more than anything. What the heck are these babies?

We’ve come up with 3 theories:

  1. They are the final babies left on earth and they need to be protected.
  2. The babies are extra smart and can see the demons because.. Kojima.
  3. There aren’t many women left, which has caused people to carry babies in an artificial womb.

That’s all we got. And it took us a while to even come up with those. So be grateful.

Why are those Greek statues so large?

Not too long ago the torches and pitchforks were aimed at Battlefield V for its historical inaccuracy regarding women fighting in WWII and the existence of an artificial hook limb that wasn’t invented until after the war. Gamer’s love their historical accuracy, especially when it comes to excluding artificial hook limbs from games.

So what about Assassin’s Creed Odyssey? Where is all of the controversy about this game? We all know about how much the ancient Greeks love sculpture. Some of the most beautiful works of art have come out of this civilization.

But get this. There was only one free-standing statue in the entire history of ancient Greece that stood almost 100 feet tall. It was called The Colossus of Rhodes, and it is one of the 7 wonders of the ancient world.Excuse me? Mr. Video game? We have questions about E3.

AC Odyssey’s Ancient Greece open world seems to be teeming with wonders of the world. From the trailer we saw at E3, there were countless statues that easily could be 50 to 100 feet tall. When in reality, there were only a handful of statues that got even close to those heights.

Excuse me? Mr. Video game? We have questions about E3.

Gamers? Where are your pitchforks? Where are the keyboard warriors? I guess people only get angry about historical accuracy when it comes to adding in hook prosthetics from the future.

What have you done to poor Waluigi?

Ah, Waluigi. Destined to be Nintendo’s version of the last team pick in gym class for the rest of eternity it seems. We found out this year that his role in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. has been reduced to a trophy. Cue internet outrage.

Excuse me? Mr. Video game? We have questions about E3.

Waluigi just needs his time to shine. Would players actually enjoy playing as him? Debatable. But it is pretty surprising that he hasn’t gotten a spot among the Smash Bros. roster when lesser-known people like Duck Hunt and Olimar exist.

Honestly, it’s not really something worth getting upset about. The new Smash game will have every character that ever existed, and that’s more than enough.